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| November 6, 2016 |
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| November 19, 2016 Today my broken heart was somewhat filled I have felt so many prayers and love over the past month that my heart has been peaceful! I can't express how thankful I am for family friends and loved ones that have helped lift us up at this time! With having surgery Wednesday I didn't think I would attend the fundraiser today and I'm so glad I did! Morgan is amazing! I want everyone to know how much I appreciate all the love! |
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| Posted November 29, 2016 |
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| December 3, 2016 - Having a down day and this quote just helped me to see the beauty in sadness which sounds weird but I am really blessed with family friends and strangers that continue to inspire me with their kindness. And the beauty of having a perfect baby as long as I did. |
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| December 4, 2016 - Just got a very wonderful emotional visit from some amazing elves! Whoever you are thank you so much for touching our lives! |
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December 9, 2016 - So I feel like I need to share I was looking on Ksl and found this sweet boy for sale and I fell in love! He was born on Tenzins birthday and he already had a "T" name so I felt like he fit and when I went to pick him up today I found out there were four male puppies and one of them passed away. Leaving three brothers! Hopefully he helps to heal some broken hearts around here. 💙 I'm already so in love! |
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| December 14, 2016 - Way too many ER visits lately this time it was my poor Taggy he fell off a retaining wall onto the cement and fractured his wrist in two places and busted up his teeth really bad and also displaced his lower teeth. Seeing the oral surgeon tomorrow please keep him in your prayers I know how helpful they can be! And maybe pray for some extra strength for this mama! 💙 |
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| December 19, 2016 |
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December 20, 2016 - As I'm sitting here missing my sweet Tenzin and hurting for my sick boys I keep thinking why me I have had so many awful things happen this Christmas but then I realized all the great things, the countless hugs I have been given, the closeness of family, the love I have felt, the new people I have met, the feeling of warm honey and peace in my heart and I feel like this might be the first Christmas I am overwhelmed with pure joy. I know Tenzin can still feel my love just as I can feel my Heavenly Fathers love. This Christmas is hard but we are so blessed thank you everyone for the continued love and support and  🌲Merry Christmas! |
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December 27, 2016 - Everytime my heart is hurting and i feel like breaking down I'm reminded to be strong either by my beautiful boys asking about baby Tenzin 💙 or finding strangers notes that are laying around the house or someone dropping by. I've had to find a new meaning to the word strength and I couldn't have found it without everyone's love!  💕 |
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| January 5, 2017 - It's amazing to me how one event in life can CHANGE a person so much. I understand that the loss of Tenzin is a huge event, but I am still amazed at how even everyday life and the way I look at EVERYTHING from a blue Powerade (which I drank everyday while pregnant) to an icy winter night's moon has changed. Nights are always the worst for me, maybe because the distractions are all gone and I long to be woken up by an infant's cries, but it also a peaceful time where I can reflect. I am still blessed with the warm honey that reminds me of my sweet baby sleeping on my chest, and the love I feel for him is overwhelming. I am still in awe of the love that has been shown to us I am so grateful for all of you. |
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January 8, 2017 - I decided awhile ago to just take in the bad with the good, because If you never feel the bad things you never get the good either. For example, I got my mail today, which right after Tenzin passed was the worst thing to do because of all the formula packs and congratulation cards and general baby stuff, but today when I got yet another similac coupon and as it set in that my baby is gone once more, I opened another package and it was a sweet reminder that someone loves me and my pain melted away. So I've decided that unless we let it all in - the good AND the bad, we might miss the chance to truly feel the good that warms our hearts! Thank you to my secret friend for helping me see the good  |
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| January 10, 2017 - My heart is heavy tonight for my tender Treyson. I had to teach him a lesson I'm learning myself, and that is time is not ours to control. Some days you feel frozen as you watch the world hustle and bustle around you and sometimes you just want to tell it to stop! At only 11, he feels the pain in waves just like I do, and as a mother I want to stop his world for him. But we also both have to learn how to hustle and bustle with the world, and keep Tenzin in our hearts while we do. I know that Tenzin watches out for his brothers, and my hope is they feel that too! I told Treyson tonight that time will continue to pass, and that's ok. We can remember the amazing time we had with the sweetest baby brother and know that more good times are still to come and that we should welcome it.💙 |
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January 26, 2017 - I have been struggling a lot lately, having flashbacks and anxieties and feeling every reminder of having a baby and losing him. Such as the 3 month hair falling out that new moms deal with, still having my milk, worrying about post partum depression just as I have with all my babies, and many others. I am trying everyday to "heal" which doesn't mean forget or move on, but to absorb the loss and sorrow and still keep my smile. I still see such beauty in everything around me and I... think Tenzin  💙 sends me these beauties on my hardest days. Such as all the elephant things you see in every store, or that sweet feeling of love I still get. Or the quiet peaceful snowfalls we have been getting. I know I will have bad days, but I'm trying to remember I can't pack up and live there. This life is so precious and fleeting, and is made up of moments, and I'm going to take in every moment I can. I hope you can all hug your loved ones tight and live in the moment today  💕 The loss of all the future memories I would have had with Tenzin 💙are stinging my heart today. I start to feel all the excitement of future birthdays and accomplishments, and then remember that he is not here. Today Thatch turned 5 and it breaks my heart and makes my heart swell with pride all at the same time. I'm so grateful for him and all he does for me. He stops in the middle of playing and remembers his little brother with me all the time, and I'm sure Heavenly Father gave him to me for this reason. Here's to many more celebrations and keeping Tenzin 💙 in our hearts and thoughts for all of them!  |
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| February 24, 2017 Tonight my heart is with all the grieving mothers.  💕I can't begin to explain how grateful I have been for all the mothers who have reached out to me and feel the pain of their own loss along with mine. This week I was able to understand more fully where they came from when I did what I could to help a newly grieving mother. I feel that the holes in our hearts are somewhat filled when we lift up others and because of all the love I have recieved and continue to receive I am given the strength to pass that love on. Thank you from the bottom of my broken heart I truly love you all!   March 26, 2017 - As I lay awake tonight I feel a sense of relief. The past couple of weeks I felt as though I was losing myself in grief, stress and anger. I let the dark thoughts of post partum depression seep into my peaceful heart. I struggle dealing with all the bad parts of having a baby and not getting those amazing moments with Tenzin  💙that I so long for. I also got caught up in the lives of others and how lucky they are. I've told myself how unfair it all is and why me?! Thank goodness ...I went to church today to help remind me of the Joy I can have and should have because I have so much to be grateful for in my own life. I know I am stronger and better having gone through my trials. I have grown so much and I know I can find strength because my Heavenly Father has given it to me time and time again. The Joy I long for only comes from our savior and knowing that I'm not alone in all this and I am so grateful to know that. So here's to finding the Joy everyday and not forgetting how blessed we all are no matter our circumstances. 💙 |
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