My heart just hasn't been in it. How can I go on about regular, mundane, ordinary, life things, when our grandbaby is gone ?! When his parents and brothers are hurting. I feel I need to express more of my own feelings on this, and until I do, other regular "stuff" will have to wait.
These are my thoughts - in no particular order, and as you will see, I jump around quite a bit.
It has now been 22 days without him. Twice as long as he was here. Life goes on, and we can accept it, and know that he is okay, that he is with God, and that he has achieved "The Crown without the Conflict", meaning he is assured ASSURED !! exaltation, but it is still so hard.
There are so many things that are hard about it. Both from a grandparent's perspective, and also as a parent. Seeing babies (on TV, on facebook, in person) - and the gut wrenching feeling of sadness, envy, resentment. Where is OUR baby? Why US? Why Zac and CJ? Hasn't our family been through enough?!? These feelings are REAL. Getting formula, baby stuff in the mail........ Having people (well-meaning people) say the wrong things. Please - just say, I'm Sorry, and I love you.
We don't know why - YOU don't know why. We won't know why until we see our babies again. Was it because they were too perfect for this earth? Did God NEED them? Didn't WE NEED them? Questions, and not a lot of good answers at this time.
I have FAITH in the plan. I KNOW there is life after death, and I KNOW that Heavenly Father knows why Tenzin was allowed to die and was not healed. I don't know why, but HE does, and that has to be enough for now. I do know that IF Tenzin needed to do anything else at all on this earth for his eternal salvation, that he would have been healed. I know the power of the Priesthood is real, and that when Landon blessed him at McKay Dee, and said, "Thy Will be Done", that it was Heavenly Father's will that he return home to Him. He received his little body, and that is all that he needed to do upon this earth.
Talking about him - or NOT talking about him. Remembering - Forgetting.........NOT wanting to forget. Saying his name - TENZIN. Such a sweet little thing. We miss him so. How are we ever going to get along without him? Knowing that it will all be okay. These feelings come and go and they will for awhile...............and then, in years to come.........a sweet remembrance.
We know (and have been taught), that babies are not babies in Heaven. They are grown, with adult spirits. We don't have to worry about who is taking care of them up there. They are okay, and we know that when we see them again it will be in either one of two ways.
1. If we die before the second coming, we will meet with them in paradise, and we will recognize them in their adult form. I feel it will be very familiar, a wonderful reunion. I think of the old LDS church movie, "Man's Search for Happiness", when the grandpa dies, and goes home to Heaven, and meets with his loved ones there. Grandpa D (my dad) will most likely be there in not too many more years, and there is some jealously on my part. He will get out of this hard world, having lived his life and done his part, and will again be able to enjoy the association with Tenzin, and Ambure, and Tonya and Lance sooner than the rest of us.
2. If we live until the second coming of Jesus Christ, we will have them again in resurrected form, exactly as they left us on this earth. Tenzin will be a tiny bundle of 11 day old sweet baby boy, and with a perfect heart and no problems. And Ambure will be 9 months 22 days old, with no hip problems, and no affects of the car accident. Lance (my brother) will be 13 hours old, perfect in every way. Zac and CJ and Roger and I, and Mom and Dad will be able to raise them during the millennium, where Satan will be bound, and there will be no sin or death or accident. It is hard to imagine, or wrap your mind around it, but I know it is true.
My Monday hour with Tenzin - I was feeling bad about not spending enough time with Tenzin. As I was looking back at his 11 short days, I could only remember holding him briefly in the hospital when he was one day old, and then on the day he came home (3 days) old. In my old lady brain, I remembered going to see him on Thursday (9 days old), but he was under the bili lights, and again on Friday (CJ was holding him with bili blanket), and I didn't get to hold him. Then I remembered !! (remember my old lady brain) - I spent a glorious hour and 15 minutes with him on Monday (6 days old), while Zac and CJ ran over to Goldenwest to close on their new home. He was sleeping most of the time, but woke and wanted dinner for the last 15 minutes, and he nuzzled me (like babies do), trying to eat my cheek. Oh what a sweet memory for me. I wish I would have known when I handed him back to his mama, that that was the last time I would hold him on this earth.....If we only knew.... but then what would we do if we knew we only had a few more years..........days............hours........with our loved ones? I've thought about this a lot (even before Tenzin). I think about death a lot. I worry about my kids and grandkids ALOT. I wonder what the future holds, and have thought many times, that it is A BLESSING that we do not know, because how could we go on, knowing our days, our kids' days, our grandkids' days are numbered? I was thinking this just a week or so before Tenzin, not even having an inkling of what was to come, not a feeling or worry about him in particular.........and here we are. He is gone.
Take a deep breath, it will all be okay. We won't forget you Tenzin. You will always be the baby brother. No longer Thatcher, he is now the Youngest Middle brother.
Only 13 hours? (My brother Lance)
Only 9 months and 22 days??
Only 17 years 9 months ???
Only 89 years, 3 months and a few days??
Why not longer??
I guess as long as we are on this earth, it will never be enough, there will never be enough time. Thank goodness there is life after death. I know this to be true ! We look forward to the day when we will be with our loved ones again.
No comments:
Post a Comment